i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
