I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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