I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
