I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
