your room smells of hookers.
And success
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
