I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
