after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
