I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
