Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
