I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
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