So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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