chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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