in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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