Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize