dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
