He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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