Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
honey bunches of taint.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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