I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
