she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
