eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
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