I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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