splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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