i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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