One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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