He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wish my penis had a tongue
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
