You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
