So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We have started to decorate penises.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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