he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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