where am i from again
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
