I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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