3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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