Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We're too hungover to prance.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
