Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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