we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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