An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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