I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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