Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
