it hurts more in the daytime
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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