After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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