i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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