This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
