Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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