He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
