i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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