Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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