got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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