Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Oh god it's open bar.
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