I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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