If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize