Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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