just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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