consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just forgot I was standing up.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I smell like Dick and happiness
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
