it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
