He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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