i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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