you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
