Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
