The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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