Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
