I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
