i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
